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Kinky? Who? Me?


Long ago, Harry, a well-spoken man in his 40s, sat down in my office to tell me that the new woman in his life revealed to him that she was kinky. She wants him to tie her down, spank her and make her “do things she normally would not do”…Umm! He found her desires titillated him and felt grateful for her trust, all the while feeling clumsy about his role as her rough lover.

He wanted to make sure he would not hurt her and sensed that this was only the tip of the iceberg. He knew that there were skills to be mastered and dangers to avoid. He asked me “Who am I in this context? A budding Top, maybe a Master? She likes pain. Does that mean I need to be a sadist? I do not want to lose her. I want to give her what she craves AND feel good about myself.”

I reply that little by little his own style of dominance will emerge and that communication will remain the most important tool in his toy bag. I point out to him that many a submissive has a great desire to please and gets really turned-on by being challenged. Besides, the energy you build in BDSM play is very exhilarating and teaches us a lot about who we are as we engage in these consensual adult games.

Of course we all have limits; know that your boundaries will change over time and with different partners depending on how deeply you connect sexually and emotionally!

Start simple. Not with a 24/7 slave contract, please!! More like: “So you want me to be your Master this Saturday? I expect you to wait for me in the candlelit bedroom on your knees at 9PM sharp wearing the sexy lingerie I gave you on  your birthday and your black stilettos. Lay the leather collar and the leash we bought together on the bed and present me with a handwritten note with your wishes for the evening. Remember, you offered to be in my service.”

Ask her what she really meant when she said she wanted to be in service. Receiving a whipping or pleasurable spanking does not look like service to me, more like a little kinky sensation foreplay or a punishment game. Agree on the safewords that will be respected, by both of you.  Look for that feeling of connection as you control her and allow her to let go into sweet surrender.  

This connection with Harry was the inspiration I needed to create an intimate Men’s Erotic Dominance course.  Enrollment is now open for its 15th season at the SF Citadel. Eve Minax and I continue to limit each Intensive to 8 men, as to give each student the attention he deserves during the hands-on training and real time exercises and playshops we do.  And we are still assisted by partners and players who volunteer as bottoms for my Academy of SM Arts, including JD from the TwoKnottyBoys.. From the very first Men’s Intensive, I have been grateful to Harry for bringing his insightful questions and enthusiasm to me!  

Consensual power exchange dynamics are the stuff of passion and intimacy.  Honest communication and clear negotiation rule. But hey, we kinksters know that!

In kink and leather pride, with heart,

Cléo

 

 

 

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