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Missing Pieces

on the beach“…Sometimes the light all shining on me, other times I can barely see, lately it occurs to me…” what a marvelous trip it’s been.

The shift for me only took a few years from good girl to rebel. I went running after my own missing pieces.  Not sure what it really was but quite sure that escape was the first step I needed to take.  To start anew, new language, new rules, new dreams. So I jumped from Paris to San Francisco where the promise of free love called me through the airwaves.

It is not surprising that my background of abuse prepared me to enthusiastically embrace consensual erotic exchanges and its powerful rituals. I fell into the right hands at the Society of Janus, then in its infancy. My own mentor/initiator was into Gestalt, magic and non-aggressive Dominance.  I was on my way to find myself and let other archetypal energies illuminate my path.

I recently watched “I am not your guru,” a Netflix  documentary about Tony Robbins.  One of his quotes stayed with me. “Push will wear you out. When you’re pushing to do something, you’ve only got so much willpower. But when you’re pulled, when there’s something larger than yourself that you’re here to serve and that you believe you’re made for, that brings energy.”

Teaching for largely “vanilla” folks at One Taste is softening my public voice, bringing me clarity and helping me present D/s play in a more subtle way that all can resonate with.  Dylan’s got it right when he sings “Gotta Serve Somebody.”

floggersI keep the magic of flogging, prolonged percussion input, piercing and the like to the private rites I lead in my dungeon.  Kate came to me a few days ago. A consummate ritualist herself, at a big life turning point, new home, single again, new work and looking to find herself in her full power at 40.

We called circle.  I tied her hands to the suspended bar; I flogged her long, heavy and light: different hides carry different energies.  She shed lots of tears. Letting go is not an easy process.

We took a break in my backyard at sunset, only to re-enter fresh and focused on NOW and the beginning of the road ahead. She is a bird of fire. She wants the cane and the paddle. Hard. She screams and laughs; “more, more” she tells me until she has had enough.  We are both high and very connected.  We find a closure. She had brought a paper bag to fill with the clothes she wore in, and objects she no longer wants. I staple it close and will dispose of it for her.  I know we will meet again.

Only 3 hours ago, I was not sure that I was going to write about my work and why service and ethical dominance are sacred.  As I was wondering, a text message appeared on my phone from a young man I had a terrific flogging to catharsis scene with a couple of months ago at the Citadel.  


Cloud to cloud
Heat lightning
Atop the flyover states

In a metal cocoon
Fractal colonies of light
Spying the future,
Sounding out wants,
Wrenching out needs.

Thinking of you, thinking of your energy, and our connection
Mother is the name for god on lips of children
And, running from god to god, seeking identity to go with purpose
Hoping, change, carving, growing

Wind-ing above, fractal patterns
What will I be?
When self?
When loved?
When safe?
When big?

I pray, not a monster.

His poem/text reminded me of the second quote from Tony Robbins: “heal the boy and the man will appear.“  We really saw each other that night in the bright light of focused SM. I was the Matriarch and he the Boy.  And I am sure he will not be a monster! His radiance is already there.unnamed-11

Ritual work is my path. I first noticed it at Wolf Creek Faerie Sanctuary in Oregon 25 years ago while walking with bells pierced on my skin down a wooded country pathway, singing bravely an old french ballad of survival to my own inner girl, shaking loose the darkness of my past.

So Mr Robbins, “heal the girl and the woman will appear.” She did!




One Comment Post a comment
  1. This is beautiful. I love reading about others who feel that the exploration of spirituality as well as sexuality. I needed to read this today so I’m glad you shared it!

    August 12, 2016

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