Stoking The Fires ReDux!
“Originally posted in January, 3 years ago, we recently have had issues surrounding consent in our community. I have a piece of advice for all who play with resistance. Tops: understand that when your partner stops resisting, it is as if they called their safeword! Lower your level of input. I tell Tops who play with feisty bottoms to use clear safewords. Now here’s the story:
Every scene we play is a dance of erotic improvisation where each step carries consent.
When I push a submissive or masochistic bottom to take a little more for me, I often whisper in their ears “I am not hearing your safeword.”
Armed with two safewords, yellow for “please check with me,” and red for “STOP,” players can proceed with confidence. Know there is no shame or blame for using them. Recently, a couple came to me for guidance. They wanted to stretch their limits, more than a bit.
During our negotiations, George was enthusiastic about Juliet’s resistance play fantasy. In her 30’s with the toned body of a dancer, she knew she had an inner rebel who wanted to be taken down and ravished. He felt pretty confident that he could get into it, although it wasn’t his usual style. A quiet cultured man in his forties, he was willing to let out and explore an aggressive macho side of play because it was such a big fantasy of hers. He just was not sure he trusted himself to keep things safe in the heat of the moment. I was honored that they wanted me to help them navigate these treacherous waters.
I could feel their charged energy the moment they entered my office. Her eyes were afire. I asked George to go to my dungeon and center himself. She started to resist even as I led her to him, naked and collared on a short lead, despite her loud pleas, “no, no, don’t take me there.” It took both of us to secure her wrists and ankles to the frame of my rope web. She was a rebel indeed! “Starting with a good slap on her face, George moved on to smacking her breasts and thighs with his open hand. She flared her anger at him, pulling as hard as she could against her restraints. He called her a brat and picking up a short cane, kept going! Her groans were really angry growls now. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, ” she barked at him.
He bellowed back, “you know the rule, the more you fight the harder it gets.” I had to raise my own voice to say, “I do not hear any safewords, no shame using them Miss, or you could just calm down and be a good girl now.” She ignored the advice; obviously she hadn’t had enough yet!
Indeed, George knew how to be relentless. Suddenly he stopped and put his hand between her legs and found her soaking wet. “So it turns you on when I slap you, doesn’t it, you slut! You are toying with me, aren’t you, girl? You want it, don’t you?”
Grabbing her brown hair, looking straight into her eyes, he slapped her one more time. Just as I was about to step in, George took a step back, breathed deeply, and deliberately reached for both her nipples and squeezed them hard.. Their eyes locked, “enough,” I heard him say in a deep and serious tone “No more. You’re mine.”
“Yes Sir”, she softly replied as she melted in surrender. We untied her quickly and George sat her on the carpeted floor and put her head on his lap. “Good girl. I love you so much,” he whispered. I left them alone to bring their scene to a close of his choosing.
15 minutes later, they joined me in my office to share about what had happened during their resistance play. He admitted that he scared himself a bit. “While I was repeatedly slapping Juliet’s face I felt a part of me I did not like come out, and I almost called RED. It felt very dark and I was glad you were here. I knew you would not have let me get out of control.” I assured him that his timing and intuition were right on.
We all have a darker side that we need to control. When we let our beasts out, we also must call on our inner “dungeon monitor.”
“Please be gentle with each other and cherish the journey you just shared. Should you choose to revisit that place together again, remember to listen to your inner dungeon monitor as you go primal.
And you, “young lady, remember your safeword and that stopping your resistance is its own indication that you have reached your limit.”
They walk to the car holding hands. I love my work.
In Kink with Heart,
In addition to guiding couples in the privacy of my San Francisco Bay Area playspace, men who want to spice up their erotic lives and deepen intimacy can enroll in my Academy of SM Arts Erotic Dominance Intensive May 14-15 in San Francisco. Class is limited to 8men, with or without partners. Fill out the questionnaire and I’ll give you a call!