At the beginning of every Intensive, we share what brought us to Kink. Many of my students have memories of early BDSM fantasies triggered by magazines or films, cherished during puberty, sometimes sooner. That was not my case. My fantasies were of romantic love, being swept away by my Prince Charmant.
And then one summer night in San Francisco in the early 80s, my perceptive vanilla lover suggested we attend Kat Sunlove’s groundbreaking talk on erotic dominance at the Gorilla Grotto. A bright kinky light bulb exploded in my mind!. Yes that is what I wanted: control, negotiated sexual explorations and big energies! Within a week, I joined The Society of Janus. My appetite for sensation, giving and receiving, was voracious. I really did not know why SM was so attractive; I just had to jump in.
Until then, my sexual bravado had been fueled by the smoldering coals of sexual abuse, humiliation and bullying I survived in my youth. I wanted more and more, sex as revenge, sex as trophies… and it was never enough. Under the glossy veneer of my sexual appetites resided, buried deep, internalized shame and guilt. I fucked countless men before I left Paris. I just thought I was out of luck to find the lover of my dreams. These monsters are good at keeping one from feeling.
Once I embraced SM and found community, my sexual healing started. It took time, lots of consensual rituals of play and much therapy to build new foundations free of abuse and secrecy. I also found tribe and family.
Out of my 3 decades of professional, public and private play emerged my teaching persona.
I share what I learned: it is not sophisticated SM and bondage techniques that matter most. What really matters is the ability to feel, to connect, to respond, to speak our desires, to have pleasure in all its nuances. We all want to be accepted and loved. If our families of origins crushed our self-esteem with their fears of non-conformism and religious beliefs, we search for our tribe, speak our truth and reclaim our right to pleasure.
I have been given opportunities to work with many who seek clarity and erotic integrity. Reclaiming power is not easy. The amount of suffering revealed to me by those walking that path is staggering. Our society allows for so much darkness buried in family secrets of sexual violations, parental blaming and shaming and down right abandonment.
I cherish the gift of leading and witnessing SM rituals of flogging, piercing or loving D/s focused on airing out our buried trauma, making space for new energies. I, for one, never miss my yearly hook pull. It is strong psychic cleaning medicine. Fiery energetic exchanges held with compassion burn through the darkness making room for light and precious intimacy. And, make no mistake, we ALL deserve that!
It is spring cleaning! My deep thanks to those who walk the path.
Let there be light.. and pleasure.
In kink with heart,
New to Kink? Curious about BDSM? Come to 50 Shades of Real BDSM Play at the SF Citadel April 28 and in just two hours, you’ll really get a feel for this amazing energy! Check my calendar at http://www.sm-arts.com for classes, workshops, and Intensive dates. Of course, private consultations, initiations, and guided play are confidentially available at http://www.cleodubois.com. We can even Skype!