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Truth and Dare

What really matters to me in BDSM is the energy exchange; how we connect.  Our intent must be honest and clearly communicated.  A lifestyle player first, I have always believed in the magic of SM.  It fueled every session I conducted as a professional, and to this day, flourishes throughout my mentoring practice and private play. Intensity with integrity.

The professional Dominant Woman manifests her calling by guiding her submissive and masochistic clients on their erotic path of self-acceptance.  

Understanding the fetishes and fantasies of those who place their trust in her, the Domina is a Healer. She honors the darkest secrets of her clients and sheds light on them, holding the mirror to their embodied fantasies without the shame.  I knew I was providing a valid and honorable service. I very much enjoyed the heat, the creativity, the improvisation: Temptress, Confidante, Mistress, Priestess, Disciplinarian, Trainer; but really, I was just being me playing with their dark desires, sadistic yet caring as well.  I kept my private life out of the equation.

I am sorry to have to acknowledge that some “Dominatrixes” don’t!

Several months ago I was contacted by a married woman whose husband of 20 years had revealed his submissive desires to her.  She was open to learning dominant skills and finding her own Dominant persona.  I did my best mentoring her via Skype. Meanwhile he visited a Dominatrix during his frequent business trips. He found with her the fulfillment of his long repressed needs.

His wife, let us call her Ingrid, was intimidated by the skills and power the seasoned Mistress has over her husband.  She felt she could not compete. Things escalated.  When Ingrid contacted me again, she felt it was too late.  The Mistress had dared her devoted sub to file for a divorce…. and he did!  I do understand that the “mid-life crisis” is not easy to deal with, but what a mess!  No one sought the services of a Kink Aware therapist who hopefully could have helped find a way to make things work.



Really, are jealousy, fear and ultimatums the only options the three of them have? I hope some repair is still possible, as his wife encouraged him to contact me on Skype and he did.

Our conversation went deep. He chose to be very transparent, emotional and real with me. He was not happy; yes, he finally experienced true sub space but his life was in shambles. I was touched by his distress.  I very strongly advised him to take a break, to look into his heart. We spoke of therapy a bit too.

Life taught me that monogamy is not the only way. Honest disclosure, boundaries and compassion is a better choice. Not easy but really we are intelligent adults.

Many of the couples who come to me for guided play find ways to make it work.  I recommended The Ethical Slut to them.

My hope is that women coming to this profession educate themselves.  The play and safety skills the work requires are a given, but finding their own archetypal place of feminine power within and in community is essential.  A timeless embodiment of Matriarch, Priestess, Mother, Teacher, and Healer, the professional Dominatrix has responsibilities.


Cléo as a young Domina
© Cléo Dubois

The beauty of a confident dominant woman, professional or not, is that she is real, compassionate and honors boundaries.

Eve Minax, Selina Raven and I teach ethics, skills, and business in the Dominatrix Training 3-Day Intensive my Academy of SM Arts offers twice a year. Full of hands-on training and real time play, the next Intensive takes place January 24-26, 2014 in San Francisco at the SF Citadel Community Center. Interested?

In kink with heart,

Cléo Dubois

PS: none of these photos are of the people involved in this story…well, except mine!

Eager to dive into this erotic pool? I coach couples in the privacy of my dungeon and offer Erotic Dominance Intensives to small groups of 8 in San Francisco! We can even Skype about it!

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