Face To Face!
My younger sister lives in Switzerland; a bit far for frequent visits! Over the years we had many phone conversations. Last year she finally agreed that we video Skype. We spoke face to face for a good hour and got deep into our lives: the good and the challenging. It almost felt like a real visit. When we signed off, we both knew that we had really reconnected.
That inspired me to offer video consultations to folks new to kink and those looking for guidance to explore further. Many have visited my office but not everyone lives in the San Francisco Bay Area! Since 50 Shades, Kink is all the buzz! I know there are people out there who have concerns I really can speak to. What I wasn’t sure of was if we could create the same quality of trust and confidential disclosure about matters of sex, heart and erotic fantasies through this visual media ! Besides, I was never one for phone sex when you could not see your partner. Too remote! But, being face to face with whom I am speaking works. Facial expressions and body language speak volumes.
Whether you’re like the social worker in Arkansas who had many questions about risk, responsibility, kink and violence and how it differs from DV, or the gentleman the other day ready to come out to his lover, no subject is taboo, no question is unheard.
Last week I was in consultation with a couple in Lyon. They love each other, their kids have left the nest, and they want to rekindle their sex lives. While the kids were growing up, he kept his kink under the rug. A few months ago, he bought a chastity device and gave her the key before a five day business trip. When he got home, she had forgotten all about it. Although they were 6000 miles away, I could see the pain of rejection in his eyes and how sorry she was. Basically he wanted to serve her, make her happy and be allowed to indulge in his bondage fetish. “She,” he says, “does not make time for play.” She nodded her head. I gently asked her, “how do you feel about his kinky need to be controlled? Have you ever spoken to anyone about it?” “No,” she replied, “I have no kinky friends.” For her, all that stuff was just a little too weird. I assured her that erotic submission and fetishistic fantasies are a path to intimacy enjoyed by millions.
Often we think every negotiation requires a winner and a loser. In the sexy games of erotic power exchange of my world, we always look for a win-win! Ideally, each participant gets some of their needs met!
“So,” I asked her, “What turns you on? Have you thought about what could be in it for you? You can create mutually satisfying rituals of dominance and submission.” By the end of the phone call she decided to take some steps towards establishing her erotic dominance and to make time for play. We will chat again in a couple of weeks. I really wanted to hug them both before clicking off !
On the other hand, I spoke with these new lovers from NYC whose raw and primal attraction scared them just a bit! We love rough sex and rape fantasies, yet we do not want to really hurt each other… They had not heard of safewords or aftercare. That was all they needed to add some safety to their aggressive exchanges. There are so many ways to approach your dynamic. All the more reason to speak with someone who’s been there, who will listen and guide you on your journey.
One cannot multitask during a video call, we have each other’s undivided attention, face to face, so close and yet so far away.
I thank that Skype call with my sister for pointing this out to me!
In Kink with Heart,
Love the small diverse group enrolled in the April 20-21 Women Players’ Intensive. Want to join us?