Win-Win! No Lies!
Just because kink is out of the closet doesn’t mean it’s understood or widely condoned. Changes in society morals take time. LGBT folks have been working on it since Stonewall and that‘s 44 years ago. Many kinksters still keep their fantasies hidden out of shame and fear of being judged. Some join Fetlife anonymously, creating a private online persona whose play is often only online.
For me, it has always been a matter of personal integrity: be honest about your radical sexuality with the ones you love. Whenever I was asked about my erotic fantasies, I’d add, “and I do my best to make them happen!” I am one who always wants to feel. In retrospect having the 20 something cute guy downstairs climb on the fire escape to my bedroom window one summer night to ravish me was not exactly safe, but it sure was fun at the time!
Honest disclosure is not without risks, but the alternative seems frustrating at best! How sad that the one you spend your life with does not know what really turns you on!
I always encouraged closeted clients to reveal their fetishistic needs to the ones they love. Together we can usually find gentle ways to do it. With open and honest communication, most couples have a good opportunity to make it all work one way or the other.
Remember Philip, my caged captive ? Well, a few years ago, Philip met Sandra, a vibrant woman, and they fell in love. Before they tied the knot, he told her all about his need for intense restraint and SM. “I would really love to You to be my Mistress. The skilled professional I have been seeing is willing to help you. Are you interested?” She was.
Powerful men often need to submit erotically and powerful women often need encouragement stepping into an erotically dominant role — and that is one of the many rewards of working with couples.
I love to see excitement replace the insecure look on a woman’s face as she steps into their Dominant shoes. Sandra is not afraid, but she does not know if SM is her cup a tea. Philip relishes an intense flogging and I show her how to strike his back with gusto and accuracy. She catches on quickly and seems to enjoy herself. He is thrilled! When he reaches that place where he cannot help but sob, she tenses up and looks away. “He is not calling his safeword or asking us to stop, is he? He needs that release.”
Philip brings Sandra back for three more sessions, and it becomes clear to me that something just does not feel right. I sense that she is acting for him. During aftercare, she tells me. “I want to please him, it is just not a turn-on for me. I’m not into whipping him, I do not like to see him cry and I’ll never be good at these damned knots.” Intense flogging not the only way, I suggest.
After all, there’s a lot of room between the letters B, D, S, and M; bondage and discipline, Dominance and submission, Sadism and Masochism! Many times, it doesn’t have to be a perfect fit, as long as each partner is getting their needs met.
As it turns out, Sandra has always desired to be worshipped. She is his Queen, not his Whip Mistress. I am delighted that Philip loves to serve his Queen at home. Gracious and generous, she has granted him permission to visit me as my masochistic bondage captive. He delights in the bruises I can leave on his backside because there are no lies between them. His wife knows he needs the release and returns to her more attentive than ever. That’s what I call a win-win!
In kink with heart,
Like this story? Please comment! Thanks! When I’m not writing my blog and learning more about social media, I love to mentor couples interested in the eroticism of mutually satisfying BDSM play and also teach weekend Intensives in San Francisco. Skype consultations also available.